I do .. but I refuse

I do ... but ... I refuse ...

I do feel so sad when I think of the pains of Jesus on the cross....
But ...
I refuse NOT to think joyfully of his salvation , his love , his kindness....

I do feel that my sins led Jesus to crucification that it tares my heart apart ...
But ..
I refuse to let that make me lose my hope in his mercy .... 

I do reject, forget and maybe despise Jesus with my sins ....
But ...
I refuse to stay away from him ...

I do sometimes remember the sins that I made .....
But ..
I refuse to let my sins take me to the deep bottom of nowhere .....

I do face many problems in my life ...
But
I refuse to let the problems remove my trust and happiness in The Christ ...

Do you ?? and do you refuse ????